Life size frosty the snowman

There's almost nothing to look forward to in my life right now. Just physical pain, mental pain, loneliness, vulnerability when it comes to competing in society and earning a living. I can't even date right now because I can't sit down due to pain. I've been cast aside, abandoned, given severe trauma to work through by the person I used to trust most. Normally I can look at the things I'm grateful for, but not today. I spent almost 24 hours having anxiety turning into a panic attack with no sleep and no one to see this weekend and my bladder hurts and I'm supposed to get a job but I can't even sit. How the fuck are you supposed to work with all this pain and I'm just rambling because it's so so fucking shitty and I have insomnia and I'm supposed to be sleeping and everything is a chore. EVERYTHING is a chore. Everything is just to keep me moving through this stupid shit world and my parents are probably going to die soon and I'm so tired.
I'll drag myself forward because I always do but fuck all of this so fucking much right now.

Source : @ritamaru0723 on twitter
Translated by me, any kind of re-post, re-share, re-upload is prohibited!

Salary: $116,000 - $160,000 The Tidepool Platform is the foundation of everything we do. As Backend Engineer, you will have a hand in maintaining our platform which is used by both our homegrown applications and an ecosystem of third-party applications.
In addition to your responsibilities as a Backend Engineer (which you will share with the Ops team), you will be a full member of the DevOps team, where you will participate in the on-call rotation for all backend services.
Essential Duties and Responsibilities Helping design, develop, deploy and maintain a secure, robust, scalable platform and infrastructure that enables Tidepool, third-party software developers, researchers, and others to bring their visions for diabetes data to life. Building new (Golang) backend services and maintaining existing (NodeJs and Golang) backend services. Being a part of our on-call rotation for operational alerts.
Qualifications The ideal candidate: - A passion for delivering great solutions that leverage modern technology stacks and tools, as well as current best practices for performance and security. - Direct, hands-on experience in developing production services in Golang. - Direct, hands-on experience in deploying services to Kubernetes. - Direct, hands-on experience in scaling systems over time to meet increasing demand. - Experience with one or more tools in each category: - Languages: Go, NodeJS, Python - IaaS Platforms: AWS, OpenStack, DigitalOcean, etc. - Databases: MongoDB or other NoSQL database, PostgreSQL, MySQL, Time Series Database - Keeps up-to-date with changes in the Kubernetes landscape, and can discern which technologies are good to adopt, and which are still too bleeding edge (but which we should keep an eye on). - An eye for detail and a willingness to take extra care in crafting precise operations documentation and alert systems.
Additional Information
Salary range: $116-000-$160,000.
Benefits include: - Flexible PTO - Paid parental leave - Medical, Dental, and Vision coverage - Health and Childcare FSA - Flexible work schedule - Wellness and Productivity stipend - Continuing Education Reimbursement
Other Information: While many of Tidepool’s team members have a personal connection to diabetes, this is not a requirement. We ask that you have empathy for chronic conditions and you are prepared to learn about the diabetes experience.
This is a remote position. You’ll be working from home and interacting with a team of colleagues that works around the world.
Read more / apply: https://www.golangprojects.com/golang-go-job-gbu-Remote-Backend-Engineer-Tidepool-remotework.html

I was more or less raped by everyone in my life.
And then this shit pops off and you people just turn it into overdrive, all in the name of teaching me a lesson.
You raped me too.
There isn't gonna be any forgiveness.

Please don’t repost this anywhere.
My (DL? 20M) partner (HL 22M) only really wants me to be the dominant one in our relationship even after I’ve expressed I need to be both dominant and submissive in a relationship to be happy, I don’t even want to have sex anymore.
I’ve been consistently acting as a dom for almost a year now for his happiness and it’s starting to get to the point where I’m hurting so much I don’t know if I can be sexual with him. I don’t know what to do.
I posted about it before in a different subreddit but someone suggested I post it here.
I love him more than life and he’s wonderful, but it hurts I guess. I’ve talked to him about it so many times and every time he said he wants to top and loves it so much he’s just struggling with it.
We are both trans men and the way dom/sub roles work within our relationship specifically is the one topping doesnt get off while the one bottoming does, despite every way there is for us to receive mutual pleasure.
I’ve had this talk with him a lot that I need to be able to have both roles to be happy but nothing changes. I’m so overwhelmed hearing him say he wants to try but it not happening beyond talking to me differently or starting something and not finishing it. The most that has is him talking to me differently while I’m topping him. The closest we’ve ever gotten to that happening was him starting to top and then changing his mind and saying he would rather bottom and I just had to be okay with it. It hurt so much but I love him and I want him to feel pleasure and safety and like he can let go so I just said it was fine and he shouldn’t feel guilty for asking to switch roles.
He’s said he’s sorry so much and I’ve always told him it’s okay and that I love him no matter what and comforted and reassured him that he’s enough.
But at the same time I feel so unloved and frustrated and trapped.
He probably is trying but I can’t see it. It feels like he doesn’t try to be dominant, he doesn’t try to pleasure me, I feel so disgusting and guilty and like there’s nothing I can do.
I cant pester him over and over until he does top, I would literally be celibate forever before I forced him and I can’t enjoy being submissive if it’s a chore for the other person, i want to feel loved and taken care of and like my pleasure is worth something. I can’t talk to him about how much this hurts me AGAIN because he will feel guilty and try to force himself.
Sometimes (really rarely) he’ll do something like touch my lower stomach or mid chest area or bite my neck and my heart rate will skyrocket and I’ll want him to try so bad, but it always stops there and he asks for me to top him and i can feel myself shattering.
It doesn’t make me feel good, it just feels like the precursor to me spending hours making him feel good and getting nothing back other than the happiness that at least he got off I guess. I don’t have sex to feel horny or feel something exhilarating anymore, it’s literally the same as cleaning the house to make your partner smile when they don’t reciprocate at all.
I still do it for him but it getting harder and harder, i don’t want to be resentful but I can’t help it with all of this pain I’m feeling in silence, I don’t know what to do. I know he will notice eventually and I am not ready for me talking about it to shatter him and make him feel inadequate.
I love him so much and I’m hoping anyone can give me any advice.

I (31f) could go into a plethora of details about what type of abuse was occuring but it would be as long winded as my relationship was and wouldn't get any of us anywhere.
This person (30m) and I met organically. They used lots of pitty ploys to get me to drop my defenses and allow them to operate in the way abusers do .
Being that I come from an abusive upbringing I've always struggled with codependency and wanting to save people. There are 4 trauma responses," fight , flight , freeze or fawn." I am a fawner , that means I go straight into people pleasing mode . That in combination with having ADHD means I fixate on things that give me dopamine.
I'll feed into something drastically and sometimes because of my anxiety surrounding the shame I feel about not functioning as well as others I'll sometimes be "quirky" . We all remember the kid who was a little hyper and annoying but if they were entertaining we'd put up with them , right ? Pair that with abandonment issues and you've got someone who puts their needs on the back burner for acceptance.
Well that's who I became into adulthood which honestly doesn't function well in most adult relationships. I tend to isolate myself a bit because for a while I felt a need to be secretive about my taboo choice of profession until I started going back to school (unmedicated, it was so difficult) and learned a skill set & started focusing on who I want to be vs who I was for survival.
So I find myself in this relationship with someone who was consistently playing into my sensitivities and would intentionally pick fights with me to avoid being held accountable for things. Also this gave them the opportunity to become the hero after being the villain seeing as they were the only person that I was getting affection from.
As much as I didn't want to react even though they would instigate I genuinely couldn't help it. When they would break up with me suddenly I would break down crying right then and there and beg them not to leave. Eventually through my own strength and just the monotony of it happening over and over again I wouldn't react as strongly but there were still certain events on the timeline that would trigger me.
I started my journey in getting a diagnosis over a year ago and it only happened (now) because I needed somebody who was close to me to tell my therapist what my habits were. Luckily this guy had been living with me so he was able to do it and it's probably the best thing that came from that relationship. I was able to get medicated and the first couple of days it was kind of difficult adjusting.
I had taken this medication as a teenager and a child growing up and I remembered it made me feel very empty inside and I didn't enjoy that but I also lived in a home where I wasn't allowed to have my own identity.
I began to notice that the lack of feeling anxiety and shame and being quirky wasn't necessarily a bad thing and genuinely was working in my favor. I noticed that the things that I got my dopamine fix from we're no longer interesting and I was able to actually focus on what was going on around me.
I decided that this feeling was not me "lacking something" but the opportunity to fill it with things that I actually enjoy. Thanks to some research I did on Reddit in regards to side effects of the medicine. I noticed when people suggested to view it in that way and when I did everything changed. It became extremely apparent that my environment was what amplified the feelings of emptiness , as a child and now .
Cut to the event at hand. There I am in a dispute with this person and he's trying to bait me and antagonize me and all I'm doing is just looking at him and giving clear responses. No emotional outbursts, no fawning, no quirky jokes to lighten the mood.
He starts to say that I am seeming like a very different person. Whilel I do understand that that must be very scary for someone to feel like they're losing a person that they love because they're medicated and it is possible that parts of my personality were manufactured out of survival.
I was still the same person, just less reactive and less accommodating.
I started feeling like I had a superpower and I made sure I took my medicine every day. We did have conversations about him feeling uncomfortable and I did try to do other things with him... But the thing is is that he never really got to know me as a person and I wouldn't say that's necessarily my fault it's more that he just wasn't as invested as he claimed to be.
I truly believe that this medicine gave me the capability to stand up for myself. Of course that means that the abuse started escalating. We did try couples counseling but mainly he's just really obsessed with getting revenge on people and uses justifications to go out and do things behind my back. He was putting my health at risk and was putting me in a financial bind.
Overall we just weren't very compatible and I do have a restraining order against this person now but they still try to contact me and keep trying to remind me about all the fun times we had when I was "cooking and cleaning for him".
I have two sets of therapists and I'm working on holding myself accountable for what got me in this situation and how I'm going to process these feelings going forward.
Throughout a lot of breakups I've had I've fixated on people for an unhealthy amount of time even if they hurt me. But this time I don't feel that way at all and I really do think it's because of my Adderall. I avoided getting medicated and I self-medicated for a long time because my mom used prescriptions as a way to control me growing up. I grew up in a fundamental Christian household which also lends to me being a little naive and vulnerable when it comes to controlling men. I've never considered myself the trade wife type but I've definitely been given the blueprints for it. At this point in life I would love to just move out to the sticks ,be a spinster and adopt a duck, a couple of dogs and take my cats with me but financially that doesn't seem plausible.
He abused me and every single way that somebody could. I would urge everybody on this planet to read the book , "Why does he do that ?" By Lundy Bancroft.
P.s. I now have a restraining order against him and luckily when I take my medicine I don't feel like I'm dying inside (because of the separation).
Ltdr: boyfriend's been abusing me for the past year. I'm a typical quirky fawning codependent person. Taking Adderall helped me drop the persona and start taking things more seriously by not allowing me to fixate on the things that gave me dopamine. He said he didn't like who I was becoming because I wasn't reacting to his antagonizing..

Looking for anyone with experience of requesting a lower level job for life commitments or more enjoyment.
Currently a head of department on about US $180k pa total comp. I'm doing fine in the job honestly - if I wanted to push further I could keep stepping up levels. However at this level I am having to make personal choices about using my energy to push myself at work, manage & chase others, take responsibility for things - more than I want to use compared to my personal life. I have a wife and young family.
So I am thinking about how to take a step down to balance this. Finance-wise $150k would probably be manageable long term for my financial goals.
Ask to step down within current company? How has that gone for anyone? Same company but move department? Have to switch company to avoid the weird questions from colleagues? Try contracting/consulting for a while? However I do prefer more stable work.

I (18M) am going to a private college (Franklin and Marshall) at the end of this summer to study biology with a likely path of chemical engineering to become a medical pathologist/life scientist of some sort. My parents barely made only a middle class income and I was paid nothing, so I will have to hardly take out loans for the first two years of schooling.
However, my mom keeps getting raises and my stepfather just got a cushy job with the TSA, and I just got a well paying summer job. This will likely put our total income at around 90-100k+ during my 4th and possibly 3rd year of college. This means I will likely not qualify for as much grants, even though my parents have around 75-170k in total debt combined.
I'm moving out of state in several months and my mother has said that aside from the occasional thing I will not be getting supported. I've tried to broach the subject of loans with my parents but they just tell me to "do what you have to" and that since I'm pursuing medicine I can pay it back anyways. They also told me that people are naturally born with debt and I will have to take out loans regardless of if I gt college or not. Some part of me wants to broach the subject with them again when they start making good money, but I know that it is unlikely they will give me anything.
I'm not sure what I am going to do when my 3rd-5th years of college roll around. I fear I'll have to drop out to not be in permanent lifelong debt or I'll have to work 2-3+ jobs to stay afloat. I do not want that for my future, and I would rather not end up having either possibility come about.
Thankfully, I recieved a merit scholarship that will cover 1/3 of my costs, but after my parents new income is put on tax returns I'll likely be paying around 20-40k a year after my sophomore year of college. My community college also gave me a full tuition scholarship, which means it would be mostly free for me, but my parents already payed the enrollment deposit for the out of state school and are saying I have to go there now.
I feel extremely scared for my future and I would appreciate any advice given to me at this point in time. I really want to go out of state but I'm scared at the prospect of having to drop out.
Tl;dr: Parents make too much money for financial aid 3rd/4th year + of college, feeling extremely worried I'll have to take on 40k+ in loans. Looking for advice.

Never played Halo in my life but accidentally unlocked an achievement a while back, as a completionist, I'm now committed to the 100% and am deciding to start on it now. Completed the first 2 levels on Halo CE legendary which was fun and not too difficult. I think I'll need to speedrun these or something in future though but that's not on my radar atm.
I hear LASO challenges are a pain and what not but outside that it seems like more of a time sink from the sentiment I've seen on forums. Plus there looks to be ways around the real tough stuff by finding a helpful 2nd God tier player.
I don't really have a frame of reference in terms of difficulty for these types of games. The most difficult completions in this genre I have are Perfect Dark and Goldeneye. I found these relatively easy though through past experience and am basically wondering how they'd stack up against Halo MCC. Obviously I'm expecting a much more significant challenge in terms of scope alone but yea, anybody give me an idea of what I'm looking at?

Congrats for those who have gotten high grades and may your future is brighter.
For those who gets low grades, don't be discouraged. Take it as a lesson to strive better and achieve harder. Your spm results isn't going to shape your future, but it will be the first step in achieving your goals in life.

So long story short she asked for something and I said I was uncomfortable and not ready to give her what she wanted. (I was calm and collective about it all and I understand she has every right to ask and get what she wants it's her life right no hate?) Anyways umm afterwards she said.. I'm confused if I got dumped... she said that we are no longer exclusive and that we are in a open relationship? And she is talking to a few guys on dating apps and she said not to worry that I'm still number one and either I give her what she wants or she finds someone else... I get what situation I'm in... I think... am I to love struck ? Why am I ok with this? I mean (iv already cried a few rivers in front of her) I feel like I gave her my heart and this is the thanks I get... and idk why I haven't blocked her and left ... advice please?

Note: Subreddit wants two ages so I had to put mine twice at the end. Sorry.
Before anyone freaks out, I’ve grown up being very immature for my age. I was less mature than my peers. Even now I’m still immature for my age. Like think of me as someone 2 years behind emotionally. I think it’s the way I’ve acted growing up that caused this.
When I was 18, the youngest girls I could feel attraction to were 14. A lot of 18 was spent as a high school senior, still living the life of a school kid. I was very immature for my age, I didn’t feel like an adult, driving and jobs felt like perks and not necessities, and my school peers were 14-18, all of us living the same school kid life.
When I entered college and was still 18, I lost interest in 14 year olds since there was zero possibility of them being in high school at the same time as me. When I was in high school at 18, there were freshman that were 14. So the limit was now 15.
Upon turning 19, I immediately lost interest in anyone under 16. The idea of being attracted to someone who couldn’t even drive or get a job, was like, yeah fuck no.
The farther I’m into 19, and the more adulthood I experience, the more my attraction towards 16-17 year olds diminishes. Now I have very little interest in them, and my strongest attractions are going towards legal adults. Like stronger by a significant amount. I’m paying way more attention to people of legal age than I would ever 16-17.
In terms of media, I’m finding it very hard to relate to anyone still in high school (even 18 in school), and a lot of my watching preferences are gearing towards adult programs. Most of what I’m interested in watching are shows about adults just like me. School life doesn’t interest me that much anymore. I didn’t quit watching kids shows, they just aren’t my primary interest anymore.
Not that I didn’t watch adult shows before I graduated high school, I did, but the majority were kids shows (like characters in the K-12 education system.)
I can see where this is going. By the time I’m 20, 100% for sure, I’m no longer going to be attracted to anyone under 18. I’m really looking forward to this. Having 100% of the people I’m interested in be of legal age. If not when I turn 20, sometime while I’m 20. There’s no way I’ll reach 21, and still be into a minor in school.
I really didn’t expect this.
When I was 18, I couldn’t have predicted this, maybe because a lot of it was spent in high school when I was still basically a child, and now I’m actually an adult so things are changing? Or am I just maturing a whole lot and it doesn’t feel like it.
I know I have matured, but things are moving so quickly, it’s unbelievable. Like holy crap.
TLDR; So yeah.

I (31f) could go into a plethora of details about what type of abuse was occuring but it would be as long winded as my relationship was and wouldn't get any of us anywhere.
This person (30m) and I met organically. They used lots of pitty ploys to get me to drop my defenses and allow them to operate in the way abusers do .
Being that I come from an abusive upbringing I've always struggled with codependency and wanting to save people. There are 4 trauma responses," fight , flight , freeze or fawn." I am a fawner , that means I go straight into people pleasing mode . That in combination with having ADHD means I fixate on things that give me dopamine.
I'll feed into something drastically and sometimes because of my anxiety surrounding the shame I feel about not functioning as well as others I'll sometimes be "quirky" . We all remember the kid who was a little hyper and annoying but if they were entertaining we'd put up with them , right ? Pair that with abandonment issues and you've got someone who puts their needs on the back burner for acceptance.
Well that's who I became into adulthood which honestly doesn't function well in most adult relationships. I tend to isolate myself a bit because for a while I felt a need to be secretive about my taboo choice of profession until I started going back to school (unmedicated, it was so difficult) and learned a skill set & started focusing on who I want to be vs who I was for survival.
So I find myself in this relationship with someone who was consistently playing into my sensitivities and would intentionally pick fights with me to avoid being held accountable for things. Also this gave them the opportunity to become the hero after being the villain seeing as they were the only person that I was getting affection from.
As much as I didn't want to react even though they would instigate I genuinely couldn't help it. When they would break up with me suddenly I would break down crying right then and there and beg them not to leave. Eventually through my own strength and just the monotony of it happening over and over again I wouldn't react as strongly but there were still certain events on the timeline that would trigger me.
I started my journey and getting a diagnosis over a year ago and it only happened because I needed somebody who was close to me to tell my therapist what my habits were. Luckily this guy had been living with me so he was able to do it and it's probably the best thing that came from that relationship. I was able to get medicated and the first couple of days it was kind of difficult adjusting.
I had taken this medication as a teenager and a child growing up and I remembered it made me feel very empty inside and I didn't enjoy that but I also lived in a home where I wasn't allowed to have my own identity.
I began to notice that the lack of feeling anxiety and shame and being quirky wasn't necessarily a bad thing and genuinely was working in my favor. I noticed that the things that I got my dopamine fix from we're no longer interesting and I was able to actually focus on what was going on around me.
I decided that this feeling was not me "lacking something" but the opportunity to fill it with things that I actually enjoy. Thanks to some research I did on Reddit in regards to side effects of the medicine. I noticed when people suggested to view it in that way and when I did everything changed. It became extremely apparent that my environment was what amplified the feelings of emptiness , as a child and now .
Cut to the event at hand. There I am in a dispute with this person and he's trying to bait me and antagonize me and all I'm doing is just looking at him and giving clear responses. No emotional outbursts, no fawning, no quirky jokes to lighten the mood.
He starts to say that I am seeming like a very different person. Whilel I do understand that that must be very scary for someone to feel like they're losing a person that they love because they're medicated and it is possible that parts of my personality were manufactured out of survival.
I was still the same person, just less reactive and less accommodating.
I started feeling like I had a superpower and I made sure I took my medicine every day. We did have conversations about him feeling uncomfortable and I did try to do other things with him... But the thing is is that he never really got to know me as a person and I wouldn't say that's necessarily my fault it's more that he just wasn't as invested as he claimed to be.
I truly believe that this medicine gave me the capability to stand up for myself. Of course that means that the abuse started escalating. We did try couples counseling but mainly he's just really obsessed with getting revenge on people and uses justifications to go out and do things behind my back. He was putting my health at risk and was putting me in a financial bind.
Overall we just weren't very compatible and I do have a restraining order against this person now but they still try to contact me and keep trying to remind me about all the fun times we had when I was "cooking and cleaning for him".
I have two sets of therapists and I'm working on holding myself accountable for what got me in this situation and how I'm going to process these feelings going forward.
Throughout a lot of breakups I've had I've fixated on people for an unhealthy amount of time even if they hurt me. But this time I don't feel that way at all and I really do think it's because of my Adderall. I avoided getting medicated and I self-medicated for a long time because my mom used prescriptions as a way to control me growing up. I grew up in a fundamental Christian household which also lends to me being a little naive and vulnerable when it comes to controlling men. I've never considered myself the trade wife type but I've definitely been given the blueprints for it. At this point in life I would love to just move out to the sticks ,be a spinster and adopt a duck, a couple of dogs and take my cats with me but financially that doesn't seem plausible.
He abused me and every single way that somebody could. I would urge everybody on this planet to read the book , "Why does he do that ?" By Lundy Bancroft.
P.s. I now have a restraining order against him and luckily when I take my medicine I don't feel like I'm dying inside (because of the separation).
Ltdr: boyfriend's been abusing me for the past year. I'm a typical quirky fawning codependent person. Taking Adderall helped me drop the persona and start taking things more seriously by not allowing me to fixate on the things that gave me dopamine. He said he didn't like who I was becoming because I wasn't reacting to his antagonizing..

I'm a 28 year old guy, on my own in an area wholly unfamiliar to me. Just recently I've switched hours at work so I can finally start having a social life and getting out of this damn lonely rut I've been in. My job still consists of talking to people so you might wonder how that could be the case? But it's about the kind of interactions that occur. Passion, honesty, wonder and adventure are the things I offer in conversation, shoot me a message and maybe we can all get through this together!

Hey, my name is Lucas. I have Hashimoto's and Celiac disease. I am switching over from Levothyroxine 125 over to Tirosint 125 starting this Tuesday once my Tirosint comes through the mail. I am concerned that my insomnia is going to get much worse and am wondering if Tirosint is still working well for everyone? I am a long time lurker on both this sub and the Hashimoto's sub.
I talked to my therapist today and she said I should call my endo office to ask them if insomnia is going to be long term thing on Tirosint of if part of the adjustment period. I took Tirosint 150mcg in the past and my dose was too high and that caused me lots of insomnia. Right now I'm taking a sample pack of Tirosint 125 that I got from my endo when I last saw him a couple days ago and I'm currently getting sleepless nights, right now.
So I'm going to stay on my levo and then switch over to Tirosint when it arrives through mail. If I end up suffering too much on Tirosint then I'm probably going to stay on Synthroid for the rest of my life because I prefer Synthroid over Levothroxine.
TLDR: Anyone doing well on Tirosint? Anyone getting insomnia on Tirosint, and did it go away?

I'm newly diabetic (2ish months) and relatively fit (5'10", 165 pounds) but I used to LOVE smashing a huge fast food meal. I've been much more mindful of my diet since diagnosis, but tonight I had a double quarter pounder with cheese, large fries, 6 chicken nuggets with honey mustard, and a large diet coke. 112 grams of carbs straight to the face. Managed to stay under 120 all night with a bolus of 6 units.
I apologize if this is inappropriate, but I don't really have many interested or informed people in my life right now, and needed to brag. I've been wanting to indulge and it felt so fucking good.

Naxos is a beautiful island in Greece, and renting a car is a great way to explore all it has to offer. There are many rental car options available on the island, with different sizes and styles to suit your needs. Rental cars are well-maintained and equipped with air conditioning, GPS navigation, and other amenities to ensure a comfortable and stress-free driving experience. With a rental car, you can easily visit the island's stunning beaches, historical sites, and charming villages at your own pace. Whether you're traveling solo, with family, or friends, renting a car in Naxos is a convenient and affordable way to enjoy all this stunning island has to offer.
https://viglawheels.g

TW:
Yes I just did that few days ago. I know its wrong but i dont feel bad about it, I cant tell the prople in my life about it or ill be viewed as a monster which im probably am. My cat wasn't a bad pet, i rescued her from the street and showed her all the love a human being can show an animal. She was pregnant so i helped her deliver her babies and thats when the issues started. One of her kittens passed away 2 days after birth and i decided to keep the other one she only had 2 kittens This kitten was very bad at training on how to use the litter box just piss and shit everywhere which made me go over the edge multiple times and i beat her a lot for it. I used to feel like shit after doing what i did because she used to come over to my lap and just sit there right after i done that to her. I become consumed with anger so much that i cant control myself, so i decided to give the kitten away to someone who would deal with her problems. And now my cat started peeing everywhere, out of no where she started doing this. And i hated it, i hated going back home because of the smell and its just so hard to get the smell out. So one time she peed on my couch and right in front of me. I became consumed with anger that i started punching her, and hitting her just about everywhere. More stuff that i wont get into the details but its a lot worse than what you expect, that resulted in her dying. I remember just setting there and thinking why am i not sad about this? I used to be sad for hitting an animal and now i dont even feel bad. Part of me knows deep down i liked it. But im still trying to not accept this idea. I do have a therapist and she knows about my animal abuse but i didn't tell her what i did the other day and i just left it out. Ill probably tell her at some point but other than that I hope i dont do this again for the sake of the animal. But i know ill never tell anyone in my life about it, people think im that person who can not hurt a flie, im that one person who doesn't squish a spider n takes it outside. I dont know how to process my feelings about this whole situation. Ive been abused sexually and physically as a child by my own grandfather. Ive lived through civil war in the middle east, ive seen stuff that still gives me nightmares to this day as a 25yr old man. So far I've been diagnosed with major depression and ptsd. And i did so many research about both of these things and none of them result in animal abuse. So does that make me a bad person or all the stuff i went through are just an excuse to my behavior?. i hope whatever this is im going through stops soon

Don't get me wrong, I was as guilty at falling into this trap as anyone else. As someone who is usually considered "good at school" (although by no way means the best), getting top grades is practically the only thing I cared about when it came to school. Instead of, you know, actually being interested in what I'm learning and seeing how it is relevant in the world.
But after my 16 and a half years of life experience (lmao), the sudden realisation came to me the other day. Grades are literally just a social construct. Like don't get me wrong, they are somewhat important for getting into A-Levels courses, colleges, universities etc. But it literally matters fuck all if you are a "smart kid" and you got below a grade 7 in a few subjects or something (talking from personal experience). Like, it will not impact you a single bit in life. No one will care what grades you got at 16 when you actually start working and living in the real world.
Like my uncle for example was a total swot, got into a fancy grammar school, got straights A's his entire life and got a degree in psychology from cambridge. ended up working as a psychologist, but then quit his job because he couldn't get along with his colleagues (he's a bit of a wanker) and ended up working some dead-end job. My dad on the other hand went to some trashy state school and got pretty mediocre grades, but got into the oil industry at the right time, and now works for a norwegian oil firm earning good money. Just saying.
I'm saying this because a lot of people (including myself previously lmao) genuinely believe they're less intelligent and worth less because of a mark on paper. Like they genuinely believe they'll become less successful in life if they don't get top grades (which is bs by the way). And some of the kids who do get the top grades genuinely think they're the next einstein or something and are really cocky and obnoxious about it, like no mate you literally just stay up until 3am chugging coffee and studying, you're not better than everyone else.
But yeah, fuck the school system. I actually just want to live my life and not worry about all this.